Articles by Neill O. Scott, MSW

Neill has written a number of articles on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Some of his work includes:

How to Avoid Becoming a Type I Relationship Victim
Synopsis of, and Remedies for, the Type I and II Relationship Victims These are the two most common man/woman relationship dilemmas.
Detailed Synopsis of "How to Succeed with Women" For men, how to relate to and communicate with her to bring about a satisfying relationship for both of you
Neill Scott's Insightful Comments on "The Rules" from Ellen Fien and Sherrie Schnider's bestselling book, "The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right."
Masculine Behavior and Signals in Determining if He Is Worth Your Time and Trouble A "Top Ten List" of traits to predict his future behavior with you.
Feminine Behavior and Signals in Determining Interest or Disinterest in You She will tell you but you need to know how to listen.
Top ten things women do to destroy relationships Order this article now! It still may not be too late to save your relationship.
Top Ten Things Men Do To Destroy Relationships If a man doesnšt know this, he is shooting in the dark with women!
Effective Boundaries, The Key To Attractiveness for a woman Find out how to stop giving away your power with men.
Healthy Male Boundaries, The Key To Earning her Respect And affection Discover ways to become the powerful attractive Gentleman who women adore instead of the indecisive, wishy washy nice guy who always repulses women.

If you would like to read more, you can order printed copies of these articles directly.

How to Avoid Becoming a Type I Relationship Victim Neill O. Scott, LMSW-ACP This article originally appeared in the The Recovery Journal

For over twenty years as a psychotherapist counseling with codependent persons to solve their relationship problems, I find the most widespread and distressing event that the codependent creates for themselves is to become what I have termed the Type I relationship victim. Pia Mellody has also addressed another dimension of this phenomenon in her work with the "Love Addict." This is how it feels to become a Type I Victim: After months or years of desperate searching, you finally meet that just right person. A perfect relationship appears to develop, so many common interests, so much to share. You are so in love. Everything is so wonderful for about six weeks or two months. Then disaster strikes. Suddenly they turn cold on you. Now they are having to fit you into their extremely busy schedule. They get around to seeing you at 9:30 P.M.. on Friday evening. This is only after all other priorities in their life are taken care of. You are at the very end of their priority list. They know that they can see you at any time. You will always be there waiting and available. No problem!

When you attempt to discuss your concerns about where you stand with each other, you hear back such platitudes as "I love you in my own way," or "I have too many problems and pressures on me right now to even think about a relationship." Men Type I Victims will usually hear reassurances about "how nice you are" or the dreaded "you have a lot of potential."

You have become a Telephone Prisoner, waiting by the phone praying for it to ring. This dysfunctional behavior sends all of the wrong messages about you: that you are too lonely and desperate, without a life of your own. The remedy is working in therapy and/or a twelve step recovery program to resolve your family of origin issues which brought you to this victim position. You must change your present reactive behavior into action, following the A. A. affirmation of "acting your way into right thinking." You accomplish this by seeing to it that you have enough plans and nurturing people in your life so that you don't always find yourself home waiting by the phone. Don't be panicked about missing their call. If they are a right person for you to be involved with, they will find a way to get in touch with you.

A detached or distracted presence with you is another certain indication that you have become a Type I Victim. With you they are lifeless and unenthusiastic, totally in their own world, absorbed in reading, staring at the TV, only to spring to life when any person other than you addresses them. On the phone, they are detached and vague. It is like there is a corpse on the other end of the line. When someone is like this, you can be sure that they are feeling pressure from you or they are resisting closeness.

You regularly engage in sick thinking with recurring victim fantasies such as: you are in the hospital in serious condition. They come to you and fling themselves on your bed, confessing how foolish they have been to let a wonderful person like you slip away. They plead for you to forgive them and take them back. Of course, in your fantasy you do, and you both enter into a blissful long term relationship.

You drive by their home in the dead of night to see whose car is in the driveway. The dedicated Type I Victim seems to have a sixth sense about whose car is in the love object's driveway at any time, day or night.

The Solution: Why would an otherwise competent individual allow themselves to become so pathetic, so pitiful? It has to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family where you were not convinced of your own value and uniqueness; with an intense hunger for that special wonderful person to enter your life and really "be there for you." Yet, as many of us come to learn in recovery, that special wonderful person who will come to you in your life is yourself. Therefore, you must take responsibility for your own behavior and get the pressure off of your companion. You cannot change the other person, but you can change yourself.

The individual on the other side may or may not be avoiding intimacy. Usually they are. Yet, you will never find out if they love you until you get the pressure off of them. In the beginning they felt that you were there friend and lover. Now they perceive of you as their BURDEN. You must lift this heavy load from their shoulders. You do this by learning to care for your own happiness, by becoming well centered in your own life with plenty of plans and interests, by asking yourself before any decision is made: will this be fun and nurturing for me ? When you get in touch with these kind of "at peace with yourself" feelings, you will become more lovable and attractive to your companion. Instead of the desperate neediness that usually oozes from you, the "I must have you. I can't live without you" feelings that gather like a vapor around you, they will begin to experience you in a new and healthy way. Your attitude becomes, "I like myself. I have some nice things in my life. And isn't it good being with you as well."

Removing the pressure will usually result in an immediate and pleasant improvement in the relationship. If it doesn't, and three months have gone by, then you will know that you have done all that you can do and that you are dealing with someone who is not able to offer you the closeness that you need. They have frozen the relationship at an unacceptable low level of intimacy. You can then make an appropriate decision regarding your continued involvement with this individual.